Cooking Class Chaos!
by MidnightxMusic
Summary: Now, whose bright idea was it to let Hamilton, of all people, teach a cooking class? This "trained professional" might just drive half of his class up the wall... Introductions, partners, burnt hair and stomach aches ensue! Entry for swingdancer23's Dare Forum!


If you peered into Room B108 in Castanet High School before the bell rang, you would see a class filled with happy, upbeat 8th graders (...and maybe some that are not-so-excited) doing whatever hormonal 13 year-olds do. There would be one blue-haired kid with a bandana who's pursing his lips, trying to balance a pencil on them (and failing). That blonde chick with cowboy boots would be gossiping with her red-headed "BFF" about the other girls in the same class and "OMG can you believe what Phoebe is _wearing_?", while a bulky dude sitting across from her continuously stares at her going, "Why, hormones, why?" in his head. A poofy-haired brunette would be sitting on an annoyed ginger kid's desk, teasing him about his hairclips (I mean seriously,_ hairclips, _bro?). Maybe a girl with round, red glasses would be tinkering with some sort of machine/wire-y/metal thingie. Then, there would be an anti-social blond boy, reading silently in his desk that was conveniently placed in the corner away from that "bunch of idiots", as he'd call them.

That blond boy, my friends, is Gilligan Hamilton (but let's call him Gill for short). Gill, while reading his big thick book about some smart people stuff, is wishing that he would be moved to a different class, last-minute. Sorry, Gill. I need you in this class for the hilarity of your torture.

If you peered into Room B108 in Castanet High School after the bell rang, you would see a class filled with happy, upbeat 8th graders (and Gill, who would not be happy to be there _at all_) scrambling to their seats before the teacher walked in. And then you would be shoved out of the way by a plump, bowling ball of a man with swoopy grey hair and a nose as big as an orange. A very large orange. He would waddle into the classroom as if you weren't there (because maybe you aren't...), plop his bottom in the teacher's chair and grin happily at the students.

And now, let's just pretend that all of that actually did happen, so I don't have to use, "would" any more.

Gill's face, my gosh. The way his jaw is almost touching his desk, his eyes wide with horror and one is twitching non-stop? Yeah. That's his reaction after finding out that **HIS FATHER IS THE TEACHER OF HIS COOKING CLASS, **and now all he wanted to do is to crash into the wall, or maybe run to the office to beg and plead and go onto his knees and ask for a new teacher. But all he _could_ do at that moment was slap his face repeatedly with his thick, nerdy book and silently weep, dreading the humiliation and shame he would soon receive.

"Goooooood morning, you bright rays of sunshine! I am your cooking teacher, Mr. Hamilton!" the rotund man said with a smile. "Welcome to your first actual day of high school! I expect all of you to do your very best, as high school is going to be a real toughie on you kiddies."

Cue the class groaning (except Gill, who was still sobbing).

"Well, let me quickly go through the attendance list..." Mr. Hamilton picked up a sheet, scanning it with his eyes.

"Now, let's see...Owen?"

"Here!"

"Renee?"

"Present!"

"Phoebe?"

"Mhm."

"Chase?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Luke?"

"Gosh, Owen, **stop poking me**! GAH!"

"Ahem...er, Molly?"

"Hiya!"

"Kathy?"

"Right here!"

"Selena?"

"Yep."

Mr. Hamilton suddenly gasped as he came upon the last name on the list. "My dear son, Gilligan, is in this class?" He sweeped his baby blue's across the room, until they landed on our very loveable, anti-social, nerdy boy. Gill was now banging his head on the desk at hearing his father address him. Mr. Hamilton ignored his son's actions and smiled. Man, I feel for the kid...

"Class, that beautiful blonde boy in the corner is my son! Everyone, please say your greetings- oh, come now, Gilligan, don't be shy- and introduce yourselves to him! He needs more buddies to play with, anyway," Mr. Hamilton announced, "Uhm...you there-" he pointed to Luke, "-please start us off by stating your name, one thing you did over the summer, and an interesting fact about yourself. We will go around the room."

Luke jumped onto his chair. "Yo, I'm Luke! I practised my wood cutting techniques over the summer, and I'm the most awesomely awesome extreme person you'll ever meet!" Luke then proceeded to kick his desk over, startling everyone except Owen and surprisingly Mr. Hamilton, who applauded.

"Very exciting! Now, next person, go ahead!"

"Hey there, I'm Owen. I helped my grandfather over the summer, and I'm officially in charge of handling this maniac-" he jabbed his thumb at Luke, who stuck his tongue out at the buff red-head, "-that also happens to be my best friend."

"I'm Selena, I danced on the beach in my free time, and I hate this class already." She promptly sat down, crossing her arms, and shot an overly-happy, fake smile before scowling.

"The name's Kathy. I went camping with my dad, and I'm an undefeated horse riding champ!"

"Hi! I'm Renee. Um, all I really did was help out around the farm, and I hope to become a vet when I get older."

"Ugh...I'm Chase, I travelled to France during the summer, and I hope Luke doesn't burn the school down when we start cooking." This earned a half-hearted glare from Luke and peals of laughter from everyone else.

"I'm Molly! I...well, I moved over here in the summer and spent most of it getting settled in! And I'm now bestest friends with Chase!"

"That's not true! She's lying!"

"Shut up, Chase!" Molly snapped.

"Moving on, now..." Hamilton shook his head, and then turned to the bespectacled girl fiddling with some sort of contraption and looked at her expectantly.

"Oh...um, right. Well, my name's Phoebe, I spent my summer working on my inventions, and I...invent things."

"...Close enough! Okay, Gilligan, it's your turn now!" Hamilton said with the glee of a child facing candy.

Gill was thinking of ways he could get out of this situation. Maybe...he could pretend to pass out...no, no, his father would dote on him incessantly. How about...running out of the room? Nope, too much attention...GAH! Suck it up, Gill, and be a man!

He grudgingly stood up. "I'm Gill, _not_ Gilligan. I helped out around the Town Hall and the library, and I really _do not_ want to be here," he spat out, before sitting down again, grumbling.

Luke turned around in his seat and waved a hand at him. "Oh, please, _Gilligan_. Stop being such a buzzkill!"

"Maybe I wouldn't be if you minded your own business!" Gill snapped.

"Gosh! Rude!" the blue-haired male gasped mockingly, and faced the front again.

"Now that that's all settled, I hope you can allllllll be best friends! ...Okay, time to cook!" Hamilton announced. He went up to a demonstration table and pulled out several pieces of cooking equipment and placed them on the counter, then put on a bright purple apron and a white chef's hat. He looked around the room and brightly smiled at the confused students in front of him.

"B-but, sir! Today's the first day of classes! You...you haven't even talked to us about the equipment or safety rules or anything!" Chase yelled, clutching his head. _Too much..disorder in...the kitchen..._

Hamilton let out a hearty chuckle and replied, "Oh, Chuck, it's okay! I'm a trained professional, and I'm sure you are all smart little tidbits and know how to tell a frying pan from a skillet!" He then slapped Chase on the back a little too hard (intentional or unintentional), making the boy smack his head on his desk.

"But, um...those are the same things, sir..." Renee piped up from her seat.

"Oh, this class is going to be such a joy..." Selena grumbled while picking at her nails. "Trained professional my a- BEEEEP!"

The class jumped at the same time, and looked around, searching for the origin of the sudden noise. Hamilton, however, seemed unfazed.

"What the- BEEEEP!- was that?" Selena yelled.

"Dear, dear, you silly children. I've installed an auto-profanity censor in this classroom, so no one can _think _of cursing in here!" the plump teacher cheered.

This statement was quickly followed by a chorus of 'BEEEEP's.

"Okay, time to start cooking! Everyone, please pair up and go to a station." Hamilton clapped his hands, and everyone scrambled to find a partner, as they noticed that there were only 9 students in the class*. Kathy's hand instantly flew over to grip Selena's arm, Luke jumped onto Owen's back, kicked his side and announced, "ONWARD, MY BEEFY ALLY!", Renee walked over to Molly's desk and gave her a shy smile, and Chase tapped Phoebe on the shoulder before the two of them proceeded to their own station. So that only meant...

Well, to be honest, Gill didn't make any effort whatsoever to find someone. So he slowly got up and trudged to the last available kitchen alone. Hamilton noticed this and shook his head.

"Nooo no no, this won't do at all. I want you to make friends, Gill, not isolate yourself! Now, hmmm...Chase, have you any cooking experience?" he asked the orange-haired boy.

"Yes sir, I help out at the Ocarina Inn, and I'm their chef's apprentice," the said boy answered.

"Great! Then you can be Gill's partner! I'm sure Phoebe is a capable young lady, am I correct?"

"Uhm...suuuure?" Phoebe said, uncertainly.

Chase looked at the man like he was an idiot (which I'm sure he is). "But sir, wouldn't it make more sense to pair Gill up with Phoebe instead? Seeing as I probably have more experience, they should work tog-" He was cut off by a very threatening glare. He frowned, crossed his arms and walked over to Gill.

"Now let's test your skills first...everyone, you and your partner must make your best dish and bring it up to me to judge! I will allow you 1 hour to cook. Begin!" the (very unqualified) teacher whipped out one of those horns you'd see on a tricycle, and honked it incessantly before someone threw a spoon at him.

Chase put on one of the aprons on the counter, fixed his bobby pins and washed his hands. He looked over at Gill, who was tying the cords of the apron around his neck. "So, did you ever cook?" he asked.

The blond lifted his head. "Well, I used to help my mother around in the kitchen."

"'Used to'?"

Gill noticeable tensed up. "..Yes. That was when she was still alive."

"Oh...sorry, man...well, uh, right now's not the time to talk about back stories. What do you want to make?" Chase replied.

His partner shrugged and turned on the tap. The ginger boy sighed and ruffled his hair (which was a bad idea, since he just washed his hands). _This is gonna be a loooong day..._

* * *

The two teenagers decided on Ratatouille, a favourite of Gill's and not too difficult; Chase had experience from making it at the Inn. Gill mindlessly chopped up the vegetables that they found the classroom pantry, while Chase sautéed them in the pan.

Making Ratatouille made Gill feel nostalgic and warm inside. It reminded him of his mother and all the happier times, back when Gill was more cheerful than he was now. After his mother's passing, Hamilton did everything in his power to make Gill happy again: made his favourite dishes, bought him nice things, spent time with him, and tried to help the anti-social boy make friends. But even though nothing seemed to work, Hamilton still hasn't given up. Although his father could be a nuisance at times, the blond knew that it was out of good intentions, and if he took the time and thought about it, he was really lucky to have such a caring father.

"-oo high."

"Nah, it's fine."

He should really be more grateful towards his father...everything he does is for Gill, after all.

"-it down, man."

Gill decided that when he gets home (not at school, it'd be more embarrassing than it already is), he is going to thank the man and hug him. He hasn't done that in a while...

"Luke, you're gonna burn the darn thi- AUGH!"

The whole class stopped what they were doing to stare at Luke and Owen's kitchen. Mostly at Owen himself, as his hair was on fire (but then again, so was the pot on the stove). You could barely tell it was flaming, though, because Owen's hair was already red by itself. Everyone started to scream and panic; Hamilton was running around in circles, yelling, "WHY IS THERE NO SMOKE DETECTOR IN HERE?" There were various BEEEPs coming from that blasted censor, as everyone was spouting swears.

"Sorry bro! Teachers should know better than to trust me with fire!" Luke shouted. He ran towards the emergency fire extinguisher, smashed the glass with a nearby stool and made his way over to the flaming redhead, who was now also running in circles. Luke pulled the pin at the top of the extinguisher, aimed at his best friend and the pot, squeezing the lever. After a couple of minutes, all the flames were gone, and them with a burnt stove and a charred, slightly foamed Owen. The boy was taking quick, shallows breaths, trying to calm himself.

The classroom was quiet, other than the Owen's breathing. Soon, Hamilton broke the awkward silence by clapping his hands. "Well, what a very...exciting event."

Selena snorted. "Yeah, right. BEEEEP- that." That recieved a dirty look from the teacher.

"Ahem, anyway, I hope all of you had the time to finish your dishes, because it's time for me to judge them!"

"What the -BEEEEP-, man? After all that, you still only think about the food?" Chase asked, shocked and annoyed.

Hamilton grinned. "Of course! They are a part of your grade, after all. Now, even if you're not done, bring up what you have."

Everyone dispersed, grumbling, but soon came back up to the front, carrying their incomplete dishes. Kathy and Selena made South Sea Omelette Rice (without the rice, so I guess it's just 'South Sea Omelette'), Renee and Molly brought up their plate of Salted King Salmon (but it looked a bit ((very)) undercooked...), Owen slapped Luke in the arm before slamming their bowl of very, very burnt Spinach Risotto onto the teacher's desk, Phoebe had made Buckwheat Pancakes (and it was the only dish that was finished), and finally, Gill slipped their plate of Ratatouille (which was more like sautéed tomtatoes, red peppers and zucchinis) onto the wooden surface.

Their round teacher grinned at each of them, but slowly slipped into a grimace at the sight of Luke and Owen's "food". _Better push that to the end..._ He pulled Kathy and Selena's plate towards his and popped a bit of it into his mouth. "This tastes a bit too bland..." he concluded after he stopped chewing.

"Of course it does! There's no rice in it, that's why!" Kathy grumbled, crossing her arms.

Hamilton then tried some of the King Salmon that Renee and Molly made, only to find that it was barely cooked and promptly spit it out into a napkin. Renee winced and bit her fingernail, and Molly pat her arm comfortingly. The plump man, with a look of disgust towards the "Spinach Risotto", moved onto the Buckwheat pancakes. As he swallowed, his face contorted into one of glee.

"These are the best so far! Great job, Phoebe!" he exclaimed happily. Phoebe simply nodded in response.

And so it came down to Gill and Chase (and Luke and Owen, but they didn't count anymore). _Let's just hope he doesn't squeal because of our dish... _the blond thought.

And that's precisely what Hamilton did. He squealed like teenage yaoi fangirl getting fanservice. "Oh my, you two made Ratatouille! I'm so happy!" Chase was surprised that he could even identify it as Ratatouille...

The teacher stuck the fork in his mouth, and chewed the vegetables slowly. After he swallowed, he was silently looking down at the plate for several minutes. And then...

"Why does this taste like deep thoughts and nostalgia?" he asked, confused.

When people say, "pour your heart into it", they don't mean it literally, Gill.

Hamilton glanced at Chase, and the said boy raised his hands up in defence. "Hey, sir, don't look at _me. _I don't think while I cook, I just cook."

Luke laughed. "Yeah, you should've stopped talking after, 'think,'" he joked, before his best friend smacked him upside the head and muttered, "Look who's talking." Unfortunately for him, Luke heard and gasped, offended.

"Owen, I'm ashamed! Apologize!" he declared.

"No!" the redhead replied in a way you'd expect from a 5 year-old child. "Make me!"

"You wanna go?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay!"

"Let's do it!"

Yet, despite their arguing, they only stood there, glaring at each other. The class and Hamilton (some teacher he is) stood there, waiting for them to do something. But the two boys looked like they were frozen in place, fists clenched and lips curled into frowns. Kathy rolled her eyes at their antics, while Selena and Molly were whispering, "Fight, fight, fight..." Renee, being the peaceful girl, bit her fist nervously and getting ready to run to the principal's office for help if something actually happened. Phoebe, on the other hand, was getting bored and checked her watch to see if that darn class was over yet. Gill was shaking his head, wondering why he had to be stuck with these people that got into fights, swore uncontrollably, and lit their friends' heads on fire. Chase was betting to himself that if they ever moved from their spots, that Owen would wipe the floor with Luke's face as a sponge.

They did not break into a brawl, however, but instead erupted into laughter. Both of them were doubled over and clutching each other, chuckling breathlessly before standin up straight.

"Aha, I love you, man," Luke said, pulling his best friend into a one-armed manhug.

"I love you too, bro." Owen pat the blue-haired boy on the back.

Some of the people present in the room broke into a chorus of "awww"s. Kathy gasped and shouted, "SLASH!", but quickly shut up when Selena kneed her in the leg.

Hamilton cleared his throat. "Moving this nonsense aside," he said, even though he was wiping the tears away from his eyes, "it's time for the final dish!"

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy...he probably was crazy, in fact. "Are you serious? You're going to eat _burnt food_ and pretend that you're going to be fine with it afterwards?" Chase asked, incredulous.

"Chase, you'll never learn how to be a man...unless you _be_ a man," the elder replied.

"That didn't make any sense, but okay...if you wanna go to the nurse's office..."

And with that, Hamilton shoved a spooful of blackened rice into his mouth and swallowed. "See? I'm perfectly fine! If you toughen up, soon, you can become invincib-" He was cut off by his own stomach grumbling, and his face blanched. Hamilton rubbed it, looking very sick (and slowly turning green). "...Uh-oh."

The whole class watched in horror (and for some, amusement) as their teacher sprinted as fast as he could out of the room, to find either the washroom or the nurse while making retching noises. They were silent, with the exception of Selena and Owen's muffled laughter.

"...Does this mean that we get to leave early?" Luke asked.

* * *

I guess this just taught everyone a few lessons:

1. Don't stick Gill in a room with a bunch of crazy people unless you want him to get a concussion.

2. Never trust Luke with stoves, fire, knives, scissors, axes, hammers, matches, pencils, needles or anything that could be a hazard to those around him. Ever.

3. If Hamilton ever teaches at your school, transfer _immediately_ or suffer the consequences.

* * *

**AND BAM! Done. Man I haven't unloaded something for so long. .-. Well, I'm not dead, so... :D**

**Ugh, the ending was soooo rushed...**

**Okay, wait: If you are either a fan of my story Life Lessons, or you're LatteCurlz, I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I haven't worked on ANYTHING for the longest time and I feel damn TERRIBLE about it! ;A; Please please please, forgive me! D':  
Also, shout out to swingdancer23! If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have even had the time to finished this whole thing! Home bros got each others' backs, man! **** :'D**

**EDIT: I hope the censor thing counts as K+. D: I needed it to be rated K+ or else it wouldn't fit the Dares forum rules. ;A; If not, I'll change it! I swear! BEEEP! ...Oh, not that kind of swear. Dx**

**PEACE! -Middy **


End file.
